We're together but...

I have mostly used this blog as a tool to document our journey with Eva.  But, I would be remiss to not include the mussing of my oldest, Mia.  

And with that, I must explain how tender hearted my Mia can be.  It can be her tool of manipulation but there is also a genuine gentle spirit there.  Yesterday, my girls were picking at each other as only they know how to do.  "She took my baby."  "My monkey, monnnnnkey!"  After multiple periods of separation and thinking about how to show love to each other, I was at a loss.  

I decided to put them in Eva's small bed together.  Their job was to consider how to show each other love.... rub each other's back, sing songs together, tell each other a story.  I left the room.  Minutes later, Mia is SOBBING.  With a deep sigh, I attempt to remain calm while I walk to their room.  

With tears rolling and a genuine broken heart, Mia says, "Mama, Eva and me.... we... we... we're together but we aren't TOGETHER!"  Eva would not receive Mia's acts of love.  She wouldn't allow Mia to hug her or be gentle toward her.  Mia sobbed, "She doesn't lovvvve me."  Oh, Mia.  

After calming the situation and aiding in the girls' reconciliation, I realized how true Mia's statement was.  Sometimes we hurt others and they will not receive our apologies... rightfully so as they have learned to not trust us.  Sometimes we wound others and, with a hard heart, they reject our apologies... we need to admit our wrongs anyways.  Thanks for the life lesson Sis.

no more therapy

Special update: 


Eva has been in physical therapy for 4 months... meeting only once a month.  Her therapist is so impressed with her improvement that she told me that Eva no long NEEDS therapy!  Wow!  The therapist asked if I wanted to continue to challenge Eva, which of course I do, so we get to continue to keep going to therapy but it is because she is excelling!  Praise the Lord!!

Giving Thanks

Every year, our church does a thanksgiving service the night before Thanksgiving.  The entire service is one praise after another as people raise their hands to acknowledge the Lord's work in their life.  The rule... no complaints- just to give a praise (ex: 'I'm thankful for my job even though my boss is a jerk!' This is breaking the rule!).  

My heart was instantly overwhelmed with our journey with Eva this year.  She has been an adventure!  She couldn't walk.  She wouldn't talk.  She wouldn't attach or snuggle.  I couldn't even comfort her.  She was isolated.  

And then she began to warm.... warm to our touch, our words of comfort, our cheers at her attempts to face each challenge.  

And there were many challenges.

An answer to prayer... no, not ONLY an answer to prayer but a miracle that I witnessed witness each day!  How could I not share this praise....

Pride. 

See, Eva's story is no more beautiful than anyone else's but it has MY heart... 

and I knew that I would cry.  Bawl.  So I tried to keep my mouth shut and praise the Lord in my heart.  But I couldn't keep quiet.  
Reluctantly I raised my hand to offer my praise.  I barely got the words out... 

'We were concerned about Eva for quite a while... but she has made so much progress.'   

And that's all I could say.  I wanted to say the words 'Thank You' or 'I'm so thankful' but I became a waterworks!  But I was obedient, swallowed my pride, and 
I 
Am
Soo
THANKFUL
for the Lord's work in Eva's life and His work in our lives on this journey.  This is what it feels like to be led... And it feels good!

soft touch

Nose to Nose.   That is how Eva and I rocked this afternoon.  


If you could imagine an 18 month old who rarely allows you to hold her.  She gets hurt... she goes away by herself.  She gets tired... she goes away by herself.  She snuggles with her blanket but if you, her mother, attempts to pull her close, she cries and pushes you away.  You can't be close to your own child!


But not today.  Every single day she does something new.  Today was completely unexpected!  Only this week has she started to allow me to rock her for more than a few seconds.  Today she allowed me to rock her for more than 10 minutes.  I stuck my nose in her neck to find her ticklish spot.  Then our noses touched.  She held completely still as we gazed at each other... nose to nose.  She loved it!  I gently, barely, shook my head back and forth to rub our noses.  She did the same... very slowly and gently.  I tried butterfly kisses with my eyelashes.  ANOTHER SUCCESS!  'Again.  Again,' she squealed.



So many will never know that this touch is an answer to prayer.  I cried over this.  Begged for this.  Now, I get to cry tears of joy.  And I did.  And her soft nose, as she gently shook her head back and forth over my nose, accidentally wiped that tear away.

so thankful

I can hardly put Eva down!  What a change!  She comes to me to hold her just because.  She wants me to hold her so she can see what I'm cooking when I'm making super.  She wants Rene to hold her each morning when he gets her up.  This morning, I helped her out of bed and she took me by the hand and pulled me into my bedroom and rested with me in my bed.  I'm so so thankful for the progress she has made!  She doesn't let anything stop her!

only a mother could understand

Eva is changing every day.  I know every child does but you can SEE these changes in her!  She snuggled with me today for almost a half an hour!  For no reason.  Just to be close!  I loved it!  I want to make up for the hours of snuggling we've missed out on since she was about 9 months old!  I want to hold he close.  Feel her warm chubby tummy breathing against mine.  Rub her pug nose with mine.  Brush butterfly kisses against her rosey cheeks.  And I did.

Progress

One thing I love about babies is that they snuggle.  They are soft and smell so good... generally.  :)  And when that soft, powder fresh ball of giggles puts her arms out for you to hold them... and then cuddles up and burrows into the warmest spots in your neck... it is a tender and touching time for moms. 


Eva doesn't snuggle.  Or I should say, she hasn't until recently!  She is 20 months old and has only allowed me to really snuggle with her the last few weeks.  And when I say snuggle, I mean: brief, less than five minute periods of 'I'll let you hold me and then I'm outta here' kind of snuggle.  But it is huge for a Mama who cried because she couldn't bond and connect with her baby.


Today, Eva decided to kiss a picture of Elmo.  The picture was laying on the tile floor.  As she bent down, she lost her balance and smacked her face hard on the floor.  Typically, this would lead to her crying hard, searching for her blanket, and rocking as she sat on the floor.  I would likely ask her time and and again if she wants me to hold her and kiss her and she would shake her head 'no' and cry harder and run away if I try to reach for her anyways. 


But not today.  She did ask for her blanket but she also came running to me and even put her tiny sore red nose on my shoulder.  She didn't shove me away.  It was a moment.  A special moment. 

Feeling at a loss II

I continued to watch Eva.  I mention my concerns to my husband.  He takes them seriously as he knows my experience in the childcare arena.  I ask a person here and there for suggestions.  I make contact with a teacher at a nearby preschool for children with delays.


I get nowhere.  No one wants to label a baby.  No one wants to tell you there are concerns with your infant.  They want to tell you everything is fine!


At Eva's 12 month check up, I expressed my concerns to the doctor.  Eva was rocking, not talking, and not walking.  The doctor was sure everything was fine.


A month later, Eva continued to demonstrate the same behaviors.  She crawled everywhere.  She would walk along the furniture but she wouldn't let go or even attempt to stand by herself.  She is a very strong willed child. :)  I called the doctor and asked for a referral to the local preschool to get an evaluation.  I had gotten the doctor's attention.  She insisted on another check up of Eva.  She suggested hip x-rays to make sure her bones appeared normal. 


Remember that I mentioned our Mia was sick at 9 months?  She had to go through a series of x-rays.  It was a traumatic experience for her and one I never wanted to relive.  Now Eva and I were making our way to the x-ray lab.  Let me tell you, the Lord answered our prayers that day!  The x-ray technician was a teddy bear of a man that also attends our church.  I did not have to strap Eva down (like we did Mia).  He allowed me to take my time and comfort Eva when we needed it.  I cried.  This time the tears were not of frustration but of relief!


Then I wondered ... 
What would be found in those x-rays.
How many more experiences like this would Eva have to go through.  Certainly they couldn't all be so positive!


The x-rays came back normal.  Doctor wanted me to wait on the referral for further evaluation.


At 15 months, Eva began walking.  She was still not standing on her own until one day I put her down (thinking she would sit like always) and she stood and then walked across the room!  You probably think I'm exaggerating... but there were others there that witnessed it!  She never took one or two steps and plopped down like children typically do.  She walked, stopped, TURNED AROUND, and walked back!  I was in shock!  The others in the room asked, 'Aren't you happy?!'  I was stunned and couldn't even say anything.  From that point on, Eva walked everywhere.  Never really crawled again!


One week later, we had her 15 month check up.  She still rocked and I insisted that learning to walk at 15 months was not 'just fine' and that we wanted further evaluation!  

Doctor agreed.

Sometimes it isn't pretty

I strongly felt that my husband, Rene, and I would only grow stronger in our relationship together if we served together.  Unfortunately, that's difficult to do when you have two little kids to find a babysitter for so that you can go serve!  But, being the tenacious person that I am, I pushed and we worked it out.  Ta Da!  We are leading a Biblical finance class and I couldn't be more excited. ...

Except that it is a lot of work to lead!  Why didn't someone tell me that before?  I thought it was a lot of work to be LED.


So my responsibilities today (outside of 'home engineer' which is what Rene thinks I should call myself as a stay-at-home mom) is to make a connection with everyone on our class list, encourage them, touch base and see if they have any questions before our first class on Saturday.  As I pick up the phone to call the first number, the phone rings.  This poor lady calls me frantic that she has to drop out of class.  (She doesn't know that I was about to call her and offer some encouragement.  The Lord totally provided on that one because an out-of-the-blue phone call to me does not always catch me in the right frame of mind to be the encourager.)  Her life is beyond difficult at this point and although she suggests that the class would be helpful, she felt strongly that her priorities needed to be with a crisis family situation.  I understood and supported her decision.


The ugly: In the midst of this phone call, where a near stranger is confiding in me her life difficulties, my two daughters are needing attention.  Mia is pulling on my leg and talking to me about dolls and bottles, books and necklaces, pretend movies, princesses, and horses.  I keep nodding at her and mouthing to her: 'Go play in the toy room'.  My Eva.... oh my Eva... She is potty training.  Would you believe that I've put her on the toilet likely over 100 times and she has never actually used it?  She sits but doesn't 'go'. ...
Until today. ...
While I'm on the phone!

I'm desperately trying to give my caller the attention she needs.  I feel like it is wise to pray with her right now on the phone because  I'm not sure when I could check in on her again.  In the midst of prayer, Eva calls my name.  She has run to the small toilet that I have sitting out for easy access and sat to use the potty!  However, she forgot to pull down her underwear.  Ugh.  Wet undies.  She is crying.  I take off her damp clothes (mid prayer!) and the cries get louder... she needs new underwear and not just any underwear... Hello Kitty underwear!  This poor caller must have thought it was MY life that had crisis! 


The call ended and I laughed.  You have to.  You have to see how God humbles us, especially in the midst of leadership, to learn how to follow Him.  Would I have felt confident taking that phone call even had I known it was coming and the kids were asleep?  Nope.  So why not just trust and obey?


Though my caller was not able to attend this session of classes, she was very thankful for the call and the prayer.  I hope that it was able to encourage and minister to her and maybe I'll get the chance to share with her how, in the midst of it, I was learning how to be led.

Feeling at a loss partI

My oldest, Mia, gave us a run for our money when she was 9 months old.  After a short bought with the flu, I changed her diaper only to find it full of blood.  We spent 3 days in a children's hospital with no answers.  We prayed tearful, pleading prayers.  I accepted the doctors' lack of answers as evidence of the Lord's healing.

Since then, the life we lived was:
I have two perfectly healthy children.  They are delights.  Ornery very often but also full of laughter and love. 


But.............................................................


It was Christmas.  My baby was 9 months old.  We all sat watching the festivities.  The excitement is contagious.  Much of the time is spent in family traditions... the first snow sledding of the season, baking sugar cookies, singing Christmas carols.  As I watched the delight on their chubby faces, I saw a peculiar look in my Eva's eyes.  She sat awkwardly.  Her back was stiff.  Her head back with her chin in the air.  She rocked slowly.  Forward and back.  Forward and back.  Her eyes were searching as she looked at me but they didn't light up at my voice.
I tried to ignore it.  My brother asked what Eva was doing.  I pushed it off and offered more presents.  Days passed into weeks and months.  Eva's rocking intensified.  She rocked often and everywhere.  I would pick her up from the church nursery only to hear, 'Oh Eva was perfect!  She just sat and rocked and was so content!  She must have been rocking to the music!'  I heard that over and over.  I barely managed a smile and a 'Thank you' each time.  I knew everything was not perfect.  But I was fearful about looking into it.

In the words of FFH

I sat in the quiet rocking my baby.  I'm tired.
She longs for me to stay.  Keep her close.  Keep her warm.  Her comfort.  Her security.
I long for a break.  Silence.  No responsibilities.  No demands.  Vacation.
As I continue to rock, I hear this song.


This may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
(What it Feels Like by FFH)


That's exactly it.  That's exactly the words I've been looking for.