Falling

A difficult night was followed by a busy morning.  We ate, were dressed with hair done and ready to leave for my 38wk OB appointment before 9am this morning.  Eva rocked at breakfast but I was determined to not allow it to bother me.  The 45 minute ride to the doctor was uneventful and peaceful.  We were one of two cars in the parking lot... this should be quick and easy!  It was.  Except that everyday activities with Eva are not always the same as with other children.  Eva immediately climbed onto a stool in the exam room.  She sat behind the head of the examination bed that I sat on, waiting to get my blood pressure checked.  Then there was a thud and an intense cry.  I jumped up knowing... knowing Eva had fallen... rocked herself off the side of the stool and fell on the hard, cold floor.  The nurse was kind and I completely ignored what she had been trying to do to me (BP check) and held Eva.  Though she could have been cruel or impatient, the nurse spoke kind, soft words and handed Eva tissues.  It took Eva a few minutes to calm down, but it was I who was nearly in tears myself.  This SHOULDN'T happen.  She should be able to sit on a stool without rocking off!

Every time she rocks, it feels like she leaves me

Eva's rocking has dramatically increased the last two weeks.  I have  found no cause for this.  I beg her to stop.  Then I demand her to stop... without success.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep.  Tired but calm I laid, willing myself to restful dreams.  Without warning, I was overcome with an image of Eva rocking.  The distant look she often has was in her eyes.  Her one leg was pointed out awkwardly as usual when she rocks, and her hands were across her chest.  I couldn't get her to stop and I couldn't get the picture to go away.  I kept seeing her but couldn't get her to relax.  I felt that she was stuck at a distance.

The rocking does that:  It reminds me of the distance that has been between us before when she wouldn't allow me to hold her.  It reminds me of the distance she has overcome in terms of therapy.  It reminds me that I am still not in control and she can leave me at that distance at any moment, and no matter how much I beg, I can't make her come to me.

I cried.  It was 4am.  I cried for a long time finally falling asleep in tears.  I woke up and the tears still come.