Eva's rocking has dramatically increased the last two weeks. I have found no cause for this. I beg her to stop. Then I demand her to stop... without success.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Tired but calm I laid, willing myself to restful dreams. Without warning, I was overcome with an image of Eva rocking. The distant look she often has was in her eyes. Her one leg was pointed out awkwardly as usual when she rocks, and her hands were across her chest. I couldn't get her to stop and I couldn't get the picture to go away. I kept seeing her but couldn't get her to relax. I felt that she was stuck at a distance.
The rocking does that: It reminds me of the distance that has been between us before when she wouldn't allow me to hold her. It reminds me of the distance she has overcome in terms of therapy. It reminds me that I am still not in control and she can leave me at that distance at any moment, and no matter how much I beg, I can't make her come to me.
I cried. It was 4am. I cried for a long time finally falling asleep in tears. I woke up and the tears still come.
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