Feeling at a loss II

I continued to watch Eva.  I mention my concerns to my husband.  He takes them seriously as he knows my experience in the childcare arena.  I ask a person here and there for suggestions.  I make contact with a teacher at a nearby preschool for children with delays.


I get nowhere.  No one wants to label a baby.  No one wants to tell you there are concerns with your infant.  They want to tell you everything is fine!


At Eva's 12 month check up, I expressed my concerns to the doctor.  Eva was rocking, not talking, and not walking.  The doctor was sure everything was fine.


A month later, Eva continued to demonstrate the same behaviors.  She crawled everywhere.  She would walk along the furniture but she wouldn't let go or even attempt to stand by herself.  She is a very strong willed child. :)  I called the doctor and asked for a referral to the local preschool to get an evaluation.  I had gotten the doctor's attention.  She insisted on another check up of Eva.  She suggested hip x-rays to make sure her bones appeared normal. 


Remember that I mentioned our Mia was sick at 9 months?  She had to go through a series of x-rays.  It was a traumatic experience for her and one I never wanted to relive.  Now Eva and I were making our way to the x-ray lab.  Let me tell you, the Lord answered our prayers that day!  The x-ray technician was a teddy bear of a man that also attends our church.  I did not have to strap Eva down (like we did Mia).  He allowed me to take my time and comfort Eva when we needed it.  I cried.  This time the tears were not of frustration but of relief!


Then I wondered ... 
What would be found in those x-rays.
How many more experiences like this would Eva have to go through.  Certainly they couldn't all be so positive!


The x-rays came back normal.  Doctor wanted me to wait on the referral for further evaluation.


At 15 months, Eva began walking.  She was still not standing on her own until one day I put her down (thinking she would sit like always) and she stood and then walked across the room!  You probably think I'm exaggerating... but there were others there that witnessed it!  She never took one or two steps and plopped down like children typically do.  She walked, stopped, TURNED AROUND, and walked back!  I was in shock!  The others in the room asked, 'Aren't you happy?!'  I was stunned and couldn't even say anything.  From that point on, Eva walked everywhere.  Never really crawled again!


One week later, we had her 15 month check up.  She still rocked and I insisted that learning to walk at 15 months was not 'just fine' and that we wanted further evaluation!  

Doctor agreed.

Sometimes it isn't pretty

I strongly felt that my husband, Rene, and I would only grow stronger in our relationship together if we served together.  Unfortunately, that's difficult to do when you have two little kids to find a babysitter for so that you can go serve!  But, being the tenacious person that I am, I pushed and we worked it out.  Ta Da!  We are leading a Biblical finance class and I couldn't be more excited. ...

Except that it is a lot of work to lead!  Why didn't someone tell me that before?  I thought it was a lot of work to be LED.


So my responsibilities today (outside of 'home engineer' which is what Rene thinks I should call myself as a stay-at-home mom) is to make a connection with everyone on our class list, encourage them, touch base and see if they have any questions before our first class on Saturday.  As I pick up the phone to call the first number, the phone rings.  This poor lady calls me frantic that she has to drop out of class.  (She doesn't know that I was about to call her and offer some encouragement.  The Lord totally provided on that one because an out-of-the-blue phone call to me does not always catch me in the right frame of mind to be the encourager.)  Her life is beyond difficult at this point and although she suggests that the class would be helpful, she felt strongly that her priorities needed to be with a crisis family situation.  I understood and supported her decision.


The ugly: In the midst of this phone call, where a near stranger is confiding in me her life difficulties, my two daughters are needing attention.  Mia is pulling on my leg and talking to me about dolls and bottles, books and necklaces, pretend movies, princesses, and horses.  I keep nodding at her and mouthing to her: 'Go play in the toy room'.  My Eva.... oh my Eva... She is potty training.  Would you believe that I've put her on the toilet likely over 100 times and she has never actually used it?  She sits but doesn't 'go'. ...
Until today. ...
While I'm on the phone!

I'm desperately trying to give my caller the attention she needs.  I feel like it is wise to pray with her right now on the phone because  I'm not sure when I could check in on her again.  In the midst of prayer, Eva calls my name.  She has run to the small toilet that I have sitting out for easy access and sat to use the potty!  However, she forgot to pull down her underwear.  Ugh.  Wet undies.  She is crying.  I take off her damp clothes (mid prayer!) and the cries get louder... she needs new underwear and not just any underwear... Hello Kitty underwear!  This poor caller must have thought it was MY life that had crisis! 


The call ended and I laughed.  You have to.  You have to see how God humbles us, especially in the midst of leadership, to learn how to follow Him.  Would I have felt confident taking that phone call even had I known it was coming and the kids were asleep?  Nope.  So why not just trust and obey?


Though my caller was not able to attend this session of classes, she was very thankful for the call and the prayer.  I hope that it was able to encourage and minister to her and maybe I'll get the chance to share with her how, in the midst of it, I was learning how to be led.

Feeling at a loss partI

My oldest, Mia, gave us a run for our money when she was 9 months old.  After a short bought with the flu, I changed her diaper only to find it full of blood.  We spent 3 days in a children's hospital with no answers.  We prayed tearful, pleading prayers.  I accepted the doctors' lack of answers as evidence of the Lord's healing.

Since then, the life we lived was:
I have two perfectly healthy children.  They are delights.  Ornery very often but also full of laughter and love. 


But.............................................................


It was Christmas.  My baby was 9 months old.  We all sat watching the festivities.  The excitement is contagious.  Much of the time is spent in family traditions... the first snow sledding of the season, baking sugar cookies, singing Christmas carols.  As I watched the delight on their chubby faces, I saw a peculiar look in my Eva's eyes.  She sat awkwardly.  Her back was stiff.  Her head back with her chin in the air.  She rocked slowly.  Forward and back.  Forward and back.  Her eyes were searching as she looked at me but they didn't light up at my voice.
I tried to ignore it.  My brother asked what Eva was doing.  I pushed it off and offered more presents.  Days passed into weeks and months.  Eva's rocking intensified.  She rocked often and everywhere.  I would pick her up from the church nursery only to hear, 'Oh Eva was perfect!  She just sat and rocked and was so content!  She must have been rocking to the music!'  I heard that over and over.  I barely managed a smile and a 'Thank you' each time.  I knew everything was not perfect.  But I was fearful about looking into it.

In the words of FFH

I sat in the quiet rocking my baby.  I'm tired.
She longs for me to stay.  Keep her close.  Keep her warm.  Her comfort.  Her security.
I long for a break.  Silence.  No responsibilities.  No demands.  Vacation.
As I continue to rock, I hear this song.


This may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
(What it Feels Like by FFH)


That's exactly it.  That's exactly the words I've been looking for.