VBS trust II

Trust is simple.  Not easy, but simple.  Even when there is much evidence and motivation for the object you may choose to put your trust in, there is something intimate about trust.

God has demonstrated His trustworthiness in my life in innumerable circumstances.  Yet, trusting Him to orchestrate the details of the VBS teaching on Tuesday was a trust fall for me.

Children filed into our church surrounded by cornfields.  About 130 children actually.  Most are familiar with Harvest Fellowship church leaders but many have never walked through our doors or only visit this third week of July each year.  These children, these eyes searching for entertainment-because, let's be honest, how many come searching Truth?- they are expecting me to give them something they hadn't come in with.  To give them a clearer picture of what Jesus is.  I told them yesterday that He is trust.

The worship is on cue.  Leaders lead.  Children sing.  Watch.  Praise.

The music lowers and the actors that practiced diligently for days file on stage.  I watch closely, hoping I can some how bridge the gulf of their presentation of God Is Holy to my object lesson.  I breathe.  Then can hardly breathe.  The skit seems to slow down a bit, as if I'm the only one observing, as I watch in amazement as the very lesson I changed only hours before was demonstrated in detail on the stage.

Though we had not coordinated this lesson actually coordinated different lessons, somehow (hmm, I wonder how?!), on the toughest lesson of the week, our demonstrations of holiness mirrored each other exactly.  EXACTLY.

It was on of those goose bump moments.  One of those, I-gotta-tell-someone moments.

....

The lesson I taught went beautifully for the four year olds.  Again for the fives.  And six and sevens.  Finally for the seven and eight year olds.  Seventy sets of ears heard that teaching and had no idea of the way it was lined up.  No thought of the faith.

Sadly, by the end, I started to wonder myself.  Is it really that miraculous of an event?  Seriously, it was just one lesson....

VBS trust

Woooo weeeee!

Last week was a whirlwind crazy-busy week of VBS for our church in the country.  I was roped into given the privilege of creating and teaching the BibleStudy curriculum for about seventy 4-8 year olds.

The five days spent investing into these young impressionable lives went swimmingly!  The only hiccup for me, personally, was the sinus infection/cold/allergies (someone please tell me how to know the difference) that hit like a sledge hammer on Wednesday.  I was in bed before 9pm both Wednesday and Thursday night, complete with snoring.  Sunday's recoperations included a two hour nap!

However, before the gailstorm of congestion, sore throat, sneezing, and watery eyes, events worthy of attention fell upon our VBS group.  I write them here as a testament to the simple profound love and guidance of the Lord in our lives.
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The week's focus was on the character of God.  To concentrate on who the God of the Bible declares himself to be.  An outline of attribute was compiled:

God is trustworthy, 

God is holy, 

God is just, 

God is forgiving,

God is love

Monday's lesson on trust included a trust-fall and exploring evidence of the Lord's trustworthiness.  The truth is, trust is not difficult to explain.  Four year olds easily understand that falling is scary UNLESS there is someone you trust waiting to catch you!

Holiness, however, is a much broader idea. Or maybe much less familiar.  And this unfamiliar truth about God was my responsibility to demonstrate on Tuesday.

Months ago, I organized my object lessons, listed needed materials, and handed a rough rough draft to our skit lady.  The plan was to explain the story of Moses being called in the dessert.  Burning bush.  God's holy mountain.  Remove your shoes.

Fast forward to ONE day of trust lessons with twelve 4 year olds, and I had a good idea that this was not going to be effective.

I prayed.  Pleaded God for direction.  As 8:00pm became nine and then ten, an idea emerged.  A simple lesson that I had tested two years ago with great response.  A picture of holiness as 'pure'ness, 'clean'ness.  Contrast this with the filth of sin.  It is an effective visual.  I felt a great relief, reasonably sure the lesson was a direction from God.  Still, there was a slight hesitation...

See, the skit and the lessons work hand in hand as a flow of thought.  I wouldn't have the opportunity to inform the skit director of the change and she wouldn't have the chance to rewrite it even if i could.

Slowly, I am learning that obedience is the best position to be in.  Hadn't I just taught that God can be trusted?!

To be continued....

Faith like a child

We started with a bitty idea.  My daughters, 4 and 6 years old, are at a ripe age to explore the principles of generosity, sympathizing with the needs and pains of others, and the command to give. We began by planting a seed: we read an autobiography on George Mueller.

Their eyes widened at his courage and hearts wondered at his faith.  I extended an invitation for their help.  Truthfully, I was to be involved as little as possible.  We brainstormed together- the 4, 6, and 32 year olds.

A plan emerged.  The girls would craft necklaces to sell at our garage sale.  All money raised from this free will donation would be directly donated to Gospel for Asia.

They set their own goals.  Mia wanted to raise $2 to purchase two tracts.  Eva hoped to gain $20 to buy one blanket.  We prayed.

If I am honest, I truly thought they may raise $5 with the help of my parents.   But, it wasn't the dollar amount that I was striving toward.  The entire process was working to concoct beautifully generous hearts in a magical way that none of my lectures could achieve.

The garage sale operated on two consecutive weekends.  I am not exaggerating when I say that NO money was raised the first weekend!  Yet, the kids were not in the least disappointed!

The first day of the second weekend, customers' attentions were drawn to the shines necklaces.  That evening, we counted $22 and a small amount of change... Nearly exactly what they had set out to raise!!

The following day, they more than doubled their earnings.  In the end, their father matched the generosity given by strangers and a grand total of $112 was laid down to give away!

Supplement your faith

It can be, of course, true that the more mindful you are of a certain thing, the more you begin to find how obvious it has been all along if you had been observant.  Five days ago, I published questions about the description and definition of faith.  Each day, my sensitivity to this word has grown to the place where I hear it clearly in other's passing conversation and see it boldly in random readings.

Today a friend shared, ''Faith: it does not make things easy... It makes them possible.' I like this.  It is comfy.
But (sigh), the reference was then given of Luke 1:37.  Luke 1:37 speaks of possibilities.  It brags on the sheer might of my Lord.  But faith?  

I searched forward and then backward a few verses.
Reading one verse alone is like gazing only at the hat of Frank Sinatra and calculating the moral nature to resonate from this performing gentleman.  While his fedora surely points (accurately) to a specific time and culture, character far exceeds appearance.  Similarly, one verse alone, may point to a specific conclusion but sure accuracy can not be gained without knowledge of the passage at large.

What a delight to read Luke chapter 1!  Go ahead.  Read it for yourself.  Faith?  I think so!

More faith verses that I am studying (in context of the larger passage, of course)...
Romans 1:17
Romans 10:17
Luke 24:32
2 Peter 1:5-7

Faith prayer #1

Prayer is not a personal strength of mine.  It is embarrassing and difficult to admit that.

It is a skill that I have persued through study and practice throughout the last four years.  I often find it overwhelming to pray.  Isn't prayer one of the most vulnerable and raw positions that one can assume?  It is for me.

- more on this later -
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In faith, we have chosen together, as a family, to pray over situations and circumstances that lend us to anxiety...

Three weeks ago, we became aware that our family checkbook could not be found.  We searched.  Passively passed blame softly in each other's direction.  Searched again... With no prize.

We prayed disingenuous words and hoped the blue treasure would reveal itself.  As two weeks passed, it became more and more difficult to proceed without check writing ability.  My husband gathered the kids to pray once more, with earnest, and made preparations to continue our finances.

Last night, as I lie in a half dream-discombobulated state, my Love entered the bedroom to announce his surprise... The lost checkbook had been found.

Money management continues.  Balances corrected. A blessing of answered prayer.

'Real' faith

Only yesterday, I, with great care, gathered my thoughts into questions begging a definition and description of faith.

Today, I lie reading.  Not researching my questions but in respite, soaking in quiet, sustaining devotions.  And I read:

Real faith isn't the belief that God will do a particular thing; real faith is the conviction that God is good, no matter what He does and however He chooses to answer our prayers.*

Should I be surprised at this answer offered at suspiciously coincidental timing?  Isn't this the journey I am looking for?


*quote from Trust: A Godly Woman's Adornment by Lydia Brownback

Can someone explain FAITH to me?!

Faith:
A) Trust in that which is impossible to prove.
B) Confidence, hope, belief.
C) Acceptance of divine authority.
D) Other

My question, truly, is: What does FAITH look like?  But does that not beg a definition of faith itself?

Would vivid descriptions of color patterns help me accurately comprehend the grace and majestic grander of a giraffe if my limited experience led me to assume giraffe referenced an article of clothing?

Similarly, a miscommunication of the most basic elements of faith would consequently defigure any visual of it that I aim to portray.

Someone please clearly verbalized the raw elements of faith to me!

Crawl before you walk

Just walk.
 Faith is a journey.  Is walking too arduous of a request?  Just walk.  It is quite simple!

What is simple is often misrepresented as easy.  My wish is to not imply that distortion but, instead, evidence a daily life lesson (my life lesson) in being led.

Here is my one-step-at-a-time trek; documented as a memorial, encouragement, challenge.  Here is my walk/stumble/hobble/journey/adventure.  Here is recorded the miracles in slow motion that I would forget or glorify myself in or simply neglect, if I had continued to refuse to release them to these writings.

Prepare to be amazed.  Amazed in the simple love, steady guidance, and common occurrences that paint a glorious visual of the Lord's love over us.

Falling

A difficult night was followed by a busy morning.  We ate, were dressed with hair done and ready to leave for my 38wk OB appointment before 9am this morning.  Eva rocked at breakfast but I was determined to not allow it to bother me.  The 45 minute ride to the doctor was uneventful and peaceful.  We were one of two cars in the parking lot... this should be quick and easy!  It was.  Except that everyday activities with Eva are not always the same as with other children.  Eva immediately climbed onto a stool in the exam room.  She sat behind the head of the examination bed that I sat on, waiting to get my blood pressure checked.  Then there was a thud and an intense cry.  I jumped up knowing... knowing Eva had fallen... rocked herself off the side of the stool and fell on the hard, cold floor.  The nurse was kind and I completely ignored what she had been trying to do to me (BP check) and held Eva.  Though she could have been cruel or impatient, the nurse spoke kind, soft words and handed Eva tissues.  It took Eva a few minutes to calm down, but it was I who was nearly in tears myself.  This SHOULDN'T happen.  She should be able to sit on a stool without rocking off!

Every time she rocks, it feels like she leaves me

Eva's rocking has dramatically increased the last two weeks.  I have  found no cause for this.  I beg her to stop.  Then I demand her to stop... without success.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep.  Tired but calm I laid, willing myself to restful dreams.  Without warning, I was overcome with an image of Eva rocking.  The distant look she often has was in her eyes.  Her one leg was pointed out awkwardly as usual when she rocks, and her hands were across her chest.  I couldn't get her to stop and I couldn't get the picture to go away.  I kept seeing her but couldn't get her to relax.  I felt that she was stuck at a distance.

The rocking does that:  It reminds me of the distance that has been between us before when she wouldn't allow me to hold her.  It reminds me of the distance she has overcome in terms of therapy.  It reminds me that I am still not in control and she can leave me at that distance at any moment, and no matter how much I beg, I can't make her come to me.

I cried.  It was 4am.  I cried for a long time finally falling asleep in tears.  I woke up and the tears still come.

'Disability'

I'm struggling with labels.


I've been fighting for support for Eva.  Part of that fight tends to include getting and eliminating labels.  First it was autism.  That was eliminated.  I was told that her symptoms were the 'opposite of autism' in many ways.  As if autism isn't confusing, what is the opposite of it?!  Most recently, the label of 'sensory processing disorder' has been briefly mentioned.  I've been okay with it.  Labels can be devastating for many children but at this point, I haven't felt that Eva has understand the negative of labels and has only benefited from their good.... she has received ongoing PT and OT therapy because of the evaluation scores that bring the conclusion that these labels fit.


But yesterday, Rene said 'disability'.  I felt like the air was knocked out of me.  'We don't know what kind of DISABILITY she (Eva) may have,' was what he was saying.  As he spoke of supporting families with children with disabilities in our church, that word rang through my head.  DIS-ABILITY.  It tasted ugly as I repeated it. 

Easy or difficult child?

I'm a big believer in early potty training.  At age 1 I get the little potty out and let my kids start playing on and around it.  Soon I begin sitting them on it every time I change their diaper.  It takes a long time to see results but at Mia's 2nd birthday party, she was completely potty trained.

Eva never liked the potty.  She hated it.  She hated diaper changes anyway so adding the dimension of sitting on a toilet which, with her rocking, made her feel like she was sitting on the side of the cliff... this was a battle.  At 2 years of age, she would sit willingly (most of the time) but showed zero success.  Now, if you sit a kid on the toilet enough, they accidentally 'go' once in a while which leads to celebrations and more success.  Not Eva.  I'm not sure if she was that good at holding it or what but she didn't have any 'accidents' in the toilet ever.  So I continued sitting her and letting her run around in underwear with no diaper, cleaning up lots of wet spots on the floor.  Then one day she 'went' 3 times!  The next day was 4.  She has very few accidents, doesn't wear diapers ever... even to bed!  She hasn't had a bedtime accident since I took the diapers off! 

I mentioned the other day... Eva is the most difficult EASY potty trained child out there!  One solid year with zero success and then potty trained in about two days!

Waiting for answers...

...or at least some insight.

Eva was examined by an occupational therapist last week.  She performed well.  That's good right?  I describe it like this:  Eva is an over-comer.... She figures out how to perform a task even if it isn't comfortable.  She performs well.  The point of therapy is to build skills she doesn't have.  While she continues to benefit from adjusting some of the skills she has acquired, she isn't actually lacking.  She looks good on paper. 


Now come and spend a day with her and watch her.  She will surprise you with her vocabulary, color recognition, and ability to keep right alongside her older sister.  You will also be surprised to see her zone out and rock... for extended periods.  You will be surprised to see her fall right off a little tikes chair, come to me crying and then refuse to let me care for her.  How do you fix that? 


We're still waiting on some answers.

Being led... is a struggle

It's  been over a month since I've last posted.  There was little need to update.  All progress was positive and continuous.  


Then two weeks ago, Eva got slightly sick.  Not the flu.  2-3 days of controlled fever and a lingering cough and congestion.  Doctor even said there was nothing to fix.  This was a minor children's cold.  But for Eva, it changed things.


Over the last month, she has rocked much less.  Her vocabulary and communication has exploded!  Almost daily I have someone mention how clearly and how much she talks.  (I know.... I now have two talkers that compete for attention!)  :)  She improved her ability to color holding a crayon with control.  Started labeling colors.  Counts past 10.  Jumps like a champion kangaroo!  On and on.  


Two weeks ago, progress slowed and was replaced by intensified rocking and a new gesture: arms crossed in front of her chest and then brought up against her chest with hands open toward her neck.  She rocks and rocks.  Rocks when it is just her and her sister playing in the toy room.  Rocked when we were at ChuckECheese.  Rocks when we do school.  Rocks when watching tv.  Always rocks when I comb her hair, dress her, wipe her face.  Rocking.  Stiff.  Distant.


I cried to Rene.  'What if this doesn't end?  I love her but will others?  Will they ever see her beauty?  Her personality?  Her spunk?'


I was able to contact our Help Me Grow resource who immediately noticed Eva's new behaviors and agreed to arrange a meeting with PT/OT 'sooner rather than later'.  


I am trusting.... I really am!  I trust the Lord that this trial is for a short time.  That even should it never change, that it will bring Him glory.  Let me be clear, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER.  It is the judgment from others that is difficult.  The possible letting go of expectations, hopes, aspirations that cuts to what is most important in life.  This is where I often have to let go and press on believing God is good.

babies and sickness

I've never gotten sick much.  Just the normal once-every-few-years flu.  

After Mia was born, she got very sick.  She recovered and then we all got sick again That was in December of 2008.  

The next year, December of 2009, I was 6 months pregnant with Eva.  I felt fine all day and went to bed with zero symptoms.  I woke up very ill.  After an exhausting night, I was completely dehydrated.  My OB sent me to the emergency room where they gave me 3 bags of fluids.  The nurses read me the riot act for not getting the H1N1 shot.

December 2010 we had a respite.  None of the Amadors suffered from the flu.  Praise the Lord! 

It is now December 2011 and I spent this week so sick.  Just me.  Oh, and we were excited to find out only a week ago that we are indeed expecting again!  

Now what?  I was so sick with the flu when I was pregnant with Eva.  What if that made things harder on Eva?  The dehydration could not have been a good thing!  This baby is so tiny.... where is the Lord leading us on this journey?

If I could just hold her forever

I wish I had a day by day video of the changes in Eva.


She continues to work hard to overcome the tendencies that slow her down.  She is the most gracious-stubborn child you may meet.  


I joke that if I ask my oldest to snuggle, she is in my lap before I finish my sentence.  She never turns me down.  But with Eva, I can not BEG her to sit with me.  It has to be her choice.  And guess what, she is choosing to be held much more often.  And the last two days, she has crawled on the couch and laid down beside me!  This is momentous!  She has never ever considered sitting beside me when I lay on the couch!  She also has this thing about being covered.  She will only allow you to cover her with her special blanket that she always carries around.  However, today while snuggling close on the couch, I pulled the blanket that I had on me to also cover her.  She didn't move... other than to squeeze in close to me.  If only she would stay little so I can make up for all the times she wouldn't let me close.  


Believe me, I take advantage of every moment now.

We're together but...

I have mostly used this blog as a tool to document our journey with Eva.  But, I would be remiss to not include the mussing of my oldest, Mia.  

And with that, I must explain how tender hearted my Mia can be.  It can be her tool of manipulation but there is also a genuine gentle spirit there.  Yesterday, my girls were picking at each other as only they know how to do.  "She took my baby."  "My monkey, monnnnnkey!"  After multiple periods of separation and thinking about how to show love to each other, I was at a loss.  

I decided to put them in Eva's small bed together.  Their job was to consider how to show each other love.... rub each other's back, sing songs together, tell each other a story.  I left the room.  Minutes later, Mia is SOBBING.  With a deep sigh, I attempt to remain calm while I walk to their room.  

With tears rolling and a genuine broken heart, Mia says, "Mama, Eva and me.... we... we... we're together but we aren't TOGETHER!"  Eva would not receive Mia's acts of love.  She wouldn't allow Mia to hug her or be gentle toward her.  Mia sobbed, "She doesn't lovvvve me."  Oh, Mia.  

After calming the situation and aiding in the girls' reconciliation, I realized how true Mia's statement was.  Sometimes we hurt others and they will not receive our apologies... rightfully so as they have learned to not trust us.  Sometimes we wound others and, with a hard heart, they reject our apologies... we need to admit our wrongs anyways.  Thanks for the life lesson Sis.

no more therapy

Special update: 


Eva has been in physical therapy for 4 months... meeting only once a month.  Her therapist is so impressed with her improvement that she told me that Eva no long NEEDS therapy!  Wow!  The therapist asked if I wanted to continue to challenge Eva, which of course I do, so we get to continue to keep going to therapy but it is because she is excelling!  Praise the Lord!!

Giving Thanks

Every year, our church does a thanksgiving service the night before Thanksgiving.  The entire service is one praise after another as people raise their hands to acknowledge the Lord's work in their life.  The rule... no complaints- just to give a praise (ex: 'I'm thankful for my job even though my boss is a jerk!' This is breaking the rule!).  

My heart was instantly overwhelmed with our journey with Eva this year.  She has been an adventure!  She couldn't walk.  She wouldn't talk.  She wouldn't attach or snuggle.  I couldn't even comfort her.  She was isolated.  

And then she began to warm.... warm to our touch, our words of comfort, our cheers at her attempts to face each challenge.  

And there were many challenges.

An answer to prayer... no, not ONLY an answer to prayer but a miracle that I witnessed witness each day!  How could I not share this praise....

Pride. 

See, Eva's story is no more beautiful than anyone else's but it has MY heart... 

and I knew that I would cry.  Bawl.  So I tried to keep my mouth shut and praise the Lord in my heart.  But I couldn't keep quiet.  
Reluctantly I raised my hand to offer my praise.  I barely got the words out... 

'We were concerned about Eva for quite a while... but she has made so much progress.'   

And that's all I could say.  I wanted to say the words 'Thank You' or 'I'm so thankful' but I became a waterworks!  But I was obedient, swallowed my pride, and 
I 
Am
Soo
THANKFUL
for the Lord's work in Eva's life and His work in our lives on this journey.  This is what it feels like to be led... And it feels good!

soft touch

Nose to Nose.   That is how Eva and I rocked this afternoon.  


If you could imagine an 18 month old who rarely allows you to hold her.  She gets hurt... she goes away by herself.  She gets tired... she goes away by herself.  She snuggles with her blanket but if you, her mother, attempts to pull her close, she cries and pushes you away.  You can't be close to your own child!


But not today.  Every single day she does something new.  Today was completely unexpected!  Only this week has she started to allow me to rock her for more than a few seconds.  Today she allowed me to rock her for more than 10 minutes.  I stuck my nose in her neck to find her ticklish spot.  Then our noses touched.  She held completely still as we gazed at each other... nose to nose.  She loved it!  I gently, barely, shook my head back and forth to rub our noses.  She did the same... very slowly and gently.  I tried butterfly kisses with my eyelashes.  ANOTHER SUCCESS!  'Again.  Again,' she squealed.



So many will never know that this touch is an answer to prayer.  I cried over this.  Begged for this.  Now, I get to cry tears of joy.  And I did.  And her soft nose, as she gently shook her head back and forth over my nose, accidentally wiped that tear away.